Humor in the Classifieds

The Perfect Job

By Robert Hankins,
The Record Newspapers (TX)

It’s been said there’s no such thing as a perfect job.
But is it perhaps true there really are?
It’s just that you never see them in the classifieds?
I wondered what some of those might look like, so please read along with me:

• GOLFERS WANTED: MUST HIT BALL INTO WATER, WOODS. MUST CUSS. MUST GET SMASHED ON 19TH HOLE. MUST CUSS AGAIN. CART AND SEX SCANDAL OPTIONAL. PAYS $500 WK.

• ROADWORK CREWS NEEDED: MUST BOTCH FIRST JOB, RETURN TO DO TERRIBLE REPAIR JOB, SPENDING MORE TAXPAYERS’ MONEY. MUST COME IN WAY OVER BUDGET AND DEADLINE. PAYS $1,000 WK, EXTRA FOR TRAFFIC CONGESTION.

• POT HEADS: MUST LISTEN TO PINK FLOYD; BEATLES AND ALLMAN BROTHERS A PLUS. MUST FURNISH OWN PAPER, PIPE. SALARY COMMENSURATE WITH EXPERIENCE.

• POLITICAL PUNDITS: ARE YOU A BIG BLOWHARD? DO YOU HAVE AN AGENDA ONLY A FEW MISGUIDED PEOPLE TEND TO SHARE? THIS IS THE JOB FOR YOU! SALARY COMMENSURATE ON HOW MUCH YOU CHARGE FANS ON YOUR WEB SITE.

• AMBULANCE CHASERS WANTED. MUST BE TV LAWYER WITH TOLL-FREE NUMBER. WORKS ON COMMISSION.

• WASHED-UP ACTORS: MUST DO REVERSE MORTGAGE COMMERCIALS. MUST LOOK DEBONAIR, MARRIED TO JILL ST. JOHN. PROVIDE OWN TWEED JACKET AND EXPENSIVE CAR.

• SENATORS: MUST HAVE RESTROOM INCIDENT; CONGRESSIONAL PAGES; PROSTITUTES A PLUS. PAYS $8 MILLION WK.

Well there you have it; and I didn’t really cover the obvious ones such as incompetent doctors and drunk airline pilots.

Here’s one more for you.

• COLUMNISTS: MUST HAVE IDEAS BASED ON FLIMSY PREMISE. MUST RIP-OFF MAD MAGAZINE. MUST LIST THINGS. PAYS BASED ON QUALITY OF HUMOR (IN THIS CASE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING).

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